


Words Less Fraught

by malevolentmango



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Character Study, Fluff, M/M, Secret Santa, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 19:12:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13464729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malevolentmango/pseuds/malevolentmango
Summary: Taako never says “I love you.”This is a cause for great distress.





	Words Less Fraught

**Author's Note:**

  * For [inkedinserendipity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkedinserendipity/gifts).



> This fic is revenge on Seren for all the suffering her angst has caused me and also for the sheer amount of panic I felt when I saw who my santee was, enjoy.
> 
> Thank you to [Rumi](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lividsilk), [Tess](http://archiveofourown.org/users/stargirls), and [Eden](http://archiveofourown.org/users/totillagarden) for making sure this was perfect. <3

Taako never says “I love you.”

 

He used to think it was a choice. That they were simply words he had no use for, and if he ever needed them again, he’d be able to find them easily enough. 

 

Turns out? That's not the case. 

 

He's actually a little pissed about it. All the ridiculous yet masterful turns of phrase that come out of his mouth, but he can't manage a simple “I love you” to Kravitz, the man for whom those words flow as easily as “hello” or “Taako, darling, please stop transmuting the coffee table into a giant Fantasy Monopoly board.” 

 

The feeling isn't diminished at all by the thought that Kravitz says it as much for himself as he does for Taako, sometimes. There's a sense of wonder in his tone, something almost like surprise, in the way he'll occasionally take Taako's hand and say “I love you, Taako,” just for the simple pleasure of saying it. A reassurance that he  _ can, _ that he's allowed, that he still remembers how to say it at all. He still says it the same way he did the very first time, when Taako opened the portal to the Astral Plane and showed him his true face: as if loving him is a privilege he refuses to take for granted. 

 

But the worst part? The very worst part? Kravitz never expects him to say it in return. 

 

It's  _ frustrating. _

 

Because he knows he used to say it. To his parents, he assumes, although he was too young then to remember them clearly. To his aunt for sure, when she would spend hours teaching he and Lup to cook, laughing at the flour that somehow got stuck to the tips of their ears. And to Lup herself of course, of  _ course, _ because she was the only constant in his life, the only person who never failed to see through all his bullshit because it was her bullshit too, and because for so long, she was all he had. It wasn't something they  _ needed  _ to say - it was just a fact of life - but he knows they did. And there were others too, words let slip in jest with the smallest grains of truth, to Magnus, to Barry, even to Merle once, after he found some truly amazing plants on a particularly boring cycle. 

 

And they left him.

 

All of them, one by one, until he was alone. Some by fate, some by Lucretia's design, and some, like Lup, by choice. He has most of them back now, of course, has had them for years now. Long enough for the urge to keep them close, to check on them constantly, to fade into an easily-ignored murmur in the back of his head. But that doesn't make the words come any easier. 

 

Taako knows it's juvenile. He knows that the words are not a curse. He knows Kravitz won't leave just because he says them out loud. But the knowing is inadequate comfort when the words still refuse to come. The knowing never quite seems to be enough to drown out the fear. It weighs on him, when he allows it to, in the quiet moments when Kravitz is stuck in the Astral Plane for days at a time, when his work with the school and his brand-building aren't enough of a distraction. 

 

And it’s crazy! He never thought he even  _ could  _ love someone the way he loves Kravitz - so much that even the words he can’t fucking say still seem inadequate. A love like theirs had always been for other people - people like Magnus and Julia, whose love he only heard about in past tense but which turned the friend he spent a century with into someone better than he could ever hope - or want - to be; people like Hurley and Sloane, who turned the horror of the relic they created into something beautiful; people like Killian and Carey, who fought like hell to earn their happy ending; people like Barry and Lup, who wrote their love into song and sealed it with an immortal kiss. 

 

Taako could never bring himself to be quite that sappy, but you'd think he could manage a few short words at least. 

 

He does what he can. 

 

Kravitz sometimes comments that his favorite cookies are always in the kitchen, and that Taako must spend so much of his time baking to keep them in stock. Taako insists that they're  _ his _ favorite cookies too, thank you very much, despite the fact that he never eats any of them. 

 

Taako doesn't rush into anything, but he makes an exception for parties. He throws himself into the center of attention like a soldier into battle and revels in the glory of it all. And there are a  _ lot _ of parties now - school gatherings, restaurant openings, engagements and weddings and baby showers, IPRE and BoB reunions. 

 

Taako thrives on them; Kravitz, not so much.

 

It's easy to forget, sometimes, how very long Kravitz spent with only his work for company. He's more used to it now, being amongst so many living people that he doesn't have to hunt down. But sometimes Taako will be in the center of a crowd of admirers, maybe regaling them with a story of his great heroism during the Stolen Century or demonstrating a particularly tricky spell, and he'll look across the room to find his boyfriend standing awkwardly against a wall looking distinctly lost. And he'll move without even a backwards glance at who he was talking to - because what do they matter, really, in the long run? - and he'll lace his fingers with Kravitz’s, not letting go until he stops looking quite so out of place amongst all this glittering humanity.

 

Kravitz doesn't own much - he didn't have a reason to for several centuries - and Taako delights in buying him things just to see his reactions. 

 

Sometimes they're ridiculous things, like a large, gaudy, fantasy rhinestone-encrusted skull brooch that Kravitz had pinned to his cloak the moment he saw it and still laughs at to this day. 

 

Sometimes it's a book, because his boyfriend is the reigning king of Loserville. But Kravitz's whole face always lights up when he sees them, and Taako's “For you, nerd” is feeble at best.

 

And once in a while, it's something that even Taako knows he will never live down. Sometimes it's redecorating an entire room of their house while Kravitz is gone for a few days, so that when he returns he finds a music room where their den used to be, with a sleek black grand piano dominating the central space. Taako remembers how the exhaustion had vanished from Kravitz's face, and how he'd rushed over to the bench with all the eagerness of Angus hunting down a clue. How he’d played song after song after song, until Taako finally insisted that “I need my beauty sleep, Bones, and I can't get it with all this  _ noise.” _ Kravitz had fallen asleep that night with an unstoppable grin on his face, tucked securely in Taako's arms, with the ghost of Taako's lips pressed to his forehead. 

 

And he finds the words he  _ can _ manage, when he needs to. “I missed you” and “I need you,” and the rare “Don't leave just yet.” Taako weaves his love into actions and words less fraught. He greets Kravitz after long stints in the Astral Plane with gentle touches and not-gentle kisses, with mumbled reassurances. He makes extravagant threats against the Raven Queen and her insistence on working him “to the bone, daddy” (he's only half-joking, sometimes, when Kravitz comes home looking particularly exhausted). He'll wrangle him into bed and lay on him until he gets some sleep, telling him “You're no use to me like this” when what he means is “I'm useless without you, but I make faking it look good.”

 

So many placeholders for what he really wants to say, but years go by with them sitting dormant on the tip of his tongue, never quite making it past his lips. And Kravitz never complains. He never even asks - never asks, period, for anything that Taako can't give. For a while, he let the feeling that he doesn't deserve Kravitz eat away at him. Time and endless reassurances lessened that feeling, but it still weighs on him, this fear that he can't shake. 

 

It's ridiculous. He's Taako, from TV. There should be nothing that he can't do.

 

So he plots.

 

At this point, it's about making it count. About making sure Kravitz never doubts him, even a little. About making sure he knows what Taako has known for years, even though it took him a long time to come to terms with it, and even though he still can't form the words:

 

That this is it. That Kravitz is his endgame. That the two of them might not be turning themselves into liches or dryads or whatever Carey and Killian are calling themselves these days, but that doesn't make Taako any less committed to him. Much to his unceasing amazement.

 

A wedding doesn't seem like quite enough, but it's a step in the right direction. And besides that, it's the best kind of party: one that makes sure all eyes are on him. 

 

“You don't have to try in front of all those people, you know,” Kravitz says the morning of the ceremony, curled around him in their bed, his fingers tracing patterns in Taako's skin. And just how does he always  _ know  _ what Taako's up to? It's bullshit!

 

“I didn't know telepathy was part of the reaper playbook. You learn something new every day.”

 

Kravitz chuckles. “I don't need telepathy. You live for drama, Taako.”

 

“Are you saying I'm  _ predictable?” _

 

“I would never…” Taako turns over to find Kravitz grinning at him. “...say that to your face.”

 

Taako laughs and pins him, lightning quick, to the bed. “You're gonna eat those words, Bones, even if I have to skip the wedding to make you.”

 

“Now there's a big lie if I've ever heard one--”

 

Taako kisses him into silence. When he pulls away, Kravitz just gives him a pointed look. 

 

“You've got nothing to worry about, my dude, I got this. I'm gonna blow your mind. Best wedding ever, coming right up, no contest.”

 

The setup couldn't possibly be more perfect. The venue is gorgeous, the decorations extravagant, the guests… well, they leave something to be desired, but they're the closest thing he's got to family so he supposes they'll do. The final preparations pass in a blur, until he and Kravitz are walking down the aisle together behind Barry and Lup, who split off to stand on either side of Merle beneath the elegant, flower-covered archway. 

 

Kravitz looks… incredible. Handsome, yes, because he's always that, but somehow even more so than usual. Radiant. Taako forgets _all_ words for a moment, not just the important ones, and thanks Istus for whatever bit of her tapestry brought him to this moment in time. 

 

The words have never been closer to slipping out, and the timing? Impeccable. He knows exactly what he wants to say; he's rehearsed his speech a million times, including one last time in the dressing room in front of Lup, who'd told him she'd never heard him say something so disgusting even as she dabbed at the corners of her eyes to keep her makeup from running. 

 

But with every step closer to the altar, he can feel them inching back down his throat, lodging there like the world's worst choking hazard. He wishes they hadn't agreed on Kravitz doing his vows first, because Taako's pretty sure he'll have lost his nerve by the time Kravitz is done. 

 

He doesn't even hear what Merle says to begin the ceremony, but he does register when he turns to Kravitz and tells him it's his turn to speak. 

 

Taako can feel the panic rising, and it's not at all for the reason he would have expected. Most people panic at this point because they're not sure about their marriage. Taako's never been more sure of anything, but what if he can't make this perfect, what if he can't say it, what if he  _ never  _ does and how awful would that be, because the very least he could ever do for Kravitz is say three goddamn words, the very least, when he deserves so much more, and what does that say about  _ Taako _ and how he feels and… 

 

And then Kravitz speaks, and Taako loses himself in his voice, just like he always does.

 

“Taako, I love you,” he says, easy as breathing, with a smile so wide it threatens to take over his whole face. His hands are warm where they hold Taako's, and he squeezes them reassuringly. “And there's… there's so many reasons why. Your charm, your tenacity, your strength, your determination and your ambition. Just--everything. I don't have to tell you how amazing you are. I'm pretty sure everyone here already knows… including you.” He winks, and there's laughter from the crowd that he barely hears. Taako smiles, and it feels weak even to him, but it helps. 

 

Something changes in Kravitz's face then, and when he speaks next, it's like there's no one else in the room. 

 

“Just, so many reasons,” he says, his gaze pinning Taako in place like he knows exactly what his soon-to-be husband is thinking - he always, always knows. “But especially, Taako, I love you for the way you love  _ me. _ In every word and gesture and action, even the ones you think you're being subtle about.” His smile settles into something softer, more private, and Taako is overwhelmed, completely. “That will always be enough for me.  _ You _ will always be enough for me, exactly as you are.”

 

And Taako's whole big speech? It goes straight out the window. Poof! Like he didn't prepare for this at all. 

 

But then, how could he have? Kravitz has always been his undoing. How foolish to think he could ever compete with this man when it comes to an expression of love.

 

The room has gone silent, so it's all the more surprising when Taako just… laughs. And Kravitz starts chuckling too, because he knows what he's just done, that bastard. There's noises of confusion, and he can perfectly picture Lup rolling her eyes behind him. Merle steps closer, as if he's about to lean in and ask if Taako's okay. 

 

And Taako? He's never been more okay. As it turns out, Taako's good wherever Kravitz happens to be. 

 

Finally, he calms down enough to say, “You just totally stole my thunder, Krav. But you know what? I love you anyway.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come chat with me about TAZ on [tumblr](http://malevolentmango.tumblr.com)!


End file.
